Yelp can be host to some great help and insightful perspectives on local cuisine. It can also showcase some funny reviews. Here’s a look at some funny Yelp reviews of chain restaurants:
“I feel like this review is more than a little pointless (are people really interested in opinions about the Chipotle on Broadway?) but I also think that Chipotle itself is pointless…so…double jeopardy. Or something.
I don’t get it. Its not Mexican food, its not fancy food, its just…just…I don’t get it. It never tastes as good as I want it to, and it bothers me that everyone else seems to like it except for me. Why? What do I not understand? The chips are too salty and the guac is too oniony. The only thing I like is their black beans, and I can make black beans. One extra point for having Barq’s root beer in their fountain thingy.” — Linds R., Chicago
“‘Kuluina pirya il quel!’…. ‘KULUINA PIRYA IL QUEL!!!!’….. ‘IL QUEL!!!!!’*… I expected a band of just and fair elves from Middle Earth to save me and chant this as I walked into Denny’s that morning, which is decked out in Hobbit specials this November and December in anticipation of the new Hobbit movie coming out, but alas I was not saved and walked to my doom at Denny’s which apparently is now the equivalent of Mordor.
Up to that day, I had not been at a Denny’s for years, but I liked the small-town breakfast diner atmosphere. What I especially liked were the Hobbit specials. I am a huge fan of the Lord of the Rings franchise, so I was able to picture myself in a modern Miami-esque shire waiting for Bilbo Baggins, Sam, and Frodo to magically appear…. Mmmm.. Shire sausage! Pumpkin pancakes! Lemon poppy seed French toast! I had a sudden craving for comfort food and decided to build my own grand slam, made up of all these premium 49 cents extra items.
Our food came out in about 20 minutes, which seemed to be a long wait time for Denny’s, but while we were eating, one of their workers came to our part of the diner and screamed, ‘DOES ANYONE DRIVE A GRAY HONDA CIVIC?!’. I thought Rohan was being attacked by the way she was screaming. My friend blushed, raised her hand, and went out the front door to move her car. I could tell she was a tad bit embarrassed.
BTW, for those who do not speak Elvish, ‘Kuluyina pirya il quel!’ translates into ‘Orange juice not good!’ It was all right, but for the price we paid, it was honestly highway robbery.” — Keith P. Miami
“Weird. This place is just weird. Like parallel universe weird.
Adults were served before kids. Entrees came before soup. Supposedly ‘bottomless’ salad and soup was never refilled. Trainee disappeared but other people we’d never seen before kept coming by just to ‘check and see if everything is alright.’
No. Everything is not alright.
One of four kids got wrong meal — which took an eternity to remedy while we all waited.
One of four kids got the right meal but half the portion of the other three and no side dish. No, no, no.
Then there was a bizarre mystery meatball which no one ordered but was placed on our table and sat there through our entire meal without inquiry.
And let’s be honest about the breadsticks, people. Not that good. There, I said it. Not that good. Maybe if you live on Pillsbury pop-n-fresh, this might be a step up but really — not worth the hullabaloo.” — J.P., Los Angeles
“Every time I see their TV commercials I’m ready to dip my TV in butter but then reality sets in: My TV would probably taste better. Frozen tiny crustaceans add up to a low-grade, high-priced seafood meal. When I was married I asked my ex-wife to do me a favor: Every time I craved Red Lobster I asked her to remind me how awful the place is. Thanks to her I’ll remember forever.” — Dan R., New York
And our personal favorite:
“I like meat. They serve it here. I can have a lot of it. It is good. They also serve things I don’t like. I don’t have to eat those. Ham good. Ham better with pineapple. Vegetarians should call PETA. PETA should go get more chicks to pose naked in their ads. After I eat here I club girl over head and yell ooga. I am all that is man.” — Rick L., Denver
This may not count as a “chain”, but we’re still laughing about it.